Rough year

This year has been so tough on me. If you read my previous diary post, you’ll know that I was struggling with the knowledge that both of my grandmothers were sick.

One of them passed away a few of months ago and it was honestly so hard for me as I am on the other side of the world and with my work, I just couldn’t make a trip to Canada to say goodbye. My dad was going through such a hard time coping with the loss of his mother and I was so close to quitting my job to be there for him. He told me to not quit as it will be hard to find a new job and he told me that just having me care was enough.

I watched the funeral through Facebook live which made me cry my eyes out and it was nice to be there in spirit to say goodbye to her. I still miss her everyday and as soon as I started to move on with my life, my second grandmother passed away suddenly.

I was so shocked to hear this as she was doing fine a couple of days before where she had the appetite of a whale. I was so heartbroken by the news because I finally got my vacation approved by my company and was planning a trip to Edmonton before my sister’s wedding in the Dominican Republic.

I can’t get over the fact that I missed saying goodbye once again and I am currently feeling so emotional and not even sure what to do with myself. I feel useless and helpless because I can’t be there for family again and my mom is taking it much harder than my dad did.

My husband keeps telling me to just book a flight but I wanted to be there when my grandma is alive and well. I feel almost selfish to say that there is no reason for me to be in Canada right now and my parents told me to not come because they want me to save money.

I am torn and I want to fly home but I just don’t know what I’ll be like because I feel numb and sad here, what will I be like when I’m home?

I miss both of my grandmothers so much and now I am realizing that I’ll never see them ever again, and I can’t stop crying. This is one of the hardest events I’ve been through in my life and my heart literally feels like it’s broken.

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